Lessons

post by Mark

Since 2006 I've been aware of my struggle with anxiety. It was around this time five years ago that I sat in the living room of Nancy and John Linton in Lincoln, OR. Surrounded by heavy stillness, and the magic of living in a cabin for months, I was more fully aware of myself then I had ever been. Connections were being made between my past, and my current understanding of God and my spirituality. Nancy wondered aloud if my anxiety (specifically my fear of death) was connected with my sense of worth to my family. Would they be okay with out me?

In the years that have followed I've been acutely aware of the anxious voice that visits me daily. Only recently have I begun to disassociate that voice from God's. I would have liked to believe, years ago, that God's voice was one of comfort, but it didn't seem likely then. I trusted instead that God's voice was the loudest, telling me to be worried about everything, and to feel judgement when I let others down.

I've discovered that God's voice is the faintest, telling me instead that everything will be okay.

I'm inclined to listen to those who have experienced the voice of God as gentle.

And now, swirling in the winds of anxiety that comes with being a parent for the first time, it is a spiritual discipline to listen closely. Everyday feels like the work of deconstruction.

moved in

Seven tea light candles burn on the window sill of our new apartment. Their reflection adding to the sparkling lights of downtown Portland, visible as well, through the windows. It smells of cardboard. We are here, our new apartment, backs, arms and legs aching.

When I tell people that we had 16 people from our Church come and help us on Saturday, they typically respond with surprise. Not everyone has a community like the one we have.

For now, we are taking deeper breaths, and longer rests between boxes.

Experiencing Life

Beth and I are about to sign a lease on an apartment here in Portland. We will be moving on October 15th. This process of preparing for our little baby, while navigating the challenges of searching for housing feels like a BIG life thing. I'm encouraged by the stories of our parents, and grandparents. They tell us about the crazy things they had to do to survive. Every time they speak of it, there seems to be some reverence for those days. As if the struggle put everything into a healthy perspective. Their smile speaks assuredness, "You will make it through."

thump, thump

Yesterday we were able to hear, for the first time, a faint thumping of a tiny, tiny heart. Our midwife circled Beth's stomach with the doppler in search of that quiet thump, and for only three or four second intervals we could hear our little one.

During our week 12 visit, as we sat in the room full of anticipation for that audible sign of life, I (mark) grew more and more overwhelmed with the emotions of it all. So when the midwife informed us it was too early to hear anything, I experienced a flushing of those emotions. I quickly stood up and made my way to the bathroom. With the color disappearing from my face, I stood in front of a mirror with a wet towel on my forehead.

Yesterday was different. This time seemed spiritually rich. It was our first sensory connection with a little life growing in an unseen world. I walked away in awe.

I feel so privileged to be given this opportunity to be daily awed by the mystery, wonder and excitement of this process.

An Exciting Announcement!

I'm not sure that there are many people who read this, who are not also our friends on facebook...but in case you exist, then I'd hate for you to feel left out! Today Beth and I announced that we will be expecting our first child in March of 2012! This, as you can imagine, has been an amazing time for the both of us. When we found out in August (on our anniversary!) we knew that we would have to be careful how we handled the news. We knew we were going to see our families in Pennsylvania in early September and so we had to keep our news a secret until then. After revealing the great news to our families, we had to ask them to keep it a secret as we wanted to tell everyone at West Hills in person (not on facebook). Thankfully everything worked out as planned, and now we are happy to announce publicly that we are very excited to be Mama and Papa in another six months!